After we came back from dinner last night, I broke the news to the kids. It started with the news that we are not going on a cruise trip, and the reason is because I would be having a major surgery.
I shared a straightforward facts. The likelihood that it will be a stage 4 ovarian cancer. The five year survival rate is below 20%. I laid out all the raw information. I believe in completely honest and open communication with kids. There is nothing to be gained by white washing what we have to deal with. If I start distorting the reality just so that it's easier to swallow at the moment, they won't believe me in the future when I go through this long journey - as it will be a marathon not a sprint. I need to establish the baseline for honest and truthful communication.
Beside, these are very intelligent kids. They can easily do their own research. When they do, they will see these grim numbers. I need to proactively debrief them, and explain to them why I believe these stats do not apply to me. I have a very rational, logical and fact based ground for optimism, and they needed to hear that from me. I laid out my case on why I will be an extreme outlier of the current statistical curve.
(1) My age: the complied statistics has a median age of 65 at the time of diagnosis
(2) My base line health: other than cancer, I am perfectly healthy. Not only I am better equipped to handle this disease, I am likely to handle chemotherapy well.
(3) My socioeconomic advantages: it's a well known fact that those who are socioeconomically disadvantaged fair poorly. Hence average stats that include these cases underpredict my odds
(4) Access to the cutting edge medical care: the population the stats uses as a baseline includes women in square states with no easy access to top most medical experts. I already learned that the the skill and expertise of the gynecologic oncologist who performs the surgery doubles the odds of good prognosis for women with my condition.
(5) My attitudes, emotional resilience and discipline: More and more search confirms that the patient's attitudes and emotional and intellectual resources are a huge variable. I have no shortage of what it takes to emerge whole and intact
(6) By nature, the survival statistics are complied with women who have been diagnosed long time ago (over 10 years). Meanwhile, medical science is evolving rapidly. Already, promising treatment breakthroughs have been made and more are on the horizon. As such, the stats complied for women in the past significantly underestimate my odds.
I explained all this to the kids line by line. I told also told them that this journey is a marathon, not a sprint, and we all need to pace ourselves. I told them that I would like them to live a normal life, doing things that they enjoy, and not altering their plans much,. I told Daniel that there is no reason to change his summer plans because of this. I intend to be around for decades.
While I was discussing all this, I noticed Jon sucking his thumb, though his face was expressionless. That...... broke my heart. Last time I saw him do it was when he was a toddler. Later, I talked with Daniel separately. He cried, and said he wishes it's he, not me, who is going through. Perish the thought! I told him that right after I got a clear inkling for what I was dealing with, I put a list together for things I am grateful for, and the first on the list was "I am so grateful that it's I who is going through in this family, not my husband or kids".
Now, it's out and open. We push forward.
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