Dec 13, 2010: My new birthday - the beginning of the recovery

In a few hours, I will be heading to the hospital for the first major surgery in my life.  Exactly how advanced my cancer is can be ascertained once the doctor open me up and examine what's there.  I am going in with the worst scenario in mine, not because I am a moribund pessimist, but because I would rather start at the abyss and claw my way back up, rather than going in with an assumption of a lesser disease and feeling like I am sinking in a quick sand as I know more about condition.  That said, I hope they find the cancer nodules ON the liver, not IN the liver.  This makes a difference of stage IIIc vs. IV.  The five survival rate between these two is about 15% (18% vs. 33%).  Given that I have already declared that the total population statistics will not apply to me, the actual difference in prognosis for me may not be all that different.  Even so, there is something reassuring and comforting about the scenario that I caught this disease at a stage other than the most advanced one.  I would like to believe that.

I will consider this my new birthday.  Dec 13, it is.  I have never been big on dates - birthdays, anniversaries, special holidays don't mean that much to me. I am simply not a romantic type who bestows a lot of meaning on dates and such - or for that matter all the rituals of what a romantic love is supposed to be. Our wedding anniversary happens to be the Valentine Day.  No, we did not choose Feb 14 because it's Valentine Day.  It would be SO uncharacteristic of me.  It so happened that my dissertation advisor's judge, who was supposed to officiate our wedding in a court house in Champaign Urbana, where we both did our graduate work, happened to be available that day.  I remember many years ago when I was working in Bell Labs.  I had a staff meeting with my team members: all men.  It was the Valentine's Day, and at 5 PM, everyone was getting antsy, trying to wrap things up and head out.  When I looked puzzled, they said, "it's Valentine's Day.  My wife will kill me if I don't show up with flowers promptly to take her out for dinner.  Don't you have a dinner date with your husband"  I answered:  I chose a man who will do laundry with me and change my kids' diapers 365 days a year rather than give me followers and gifts a few times a year".

What I did not tell them, though, is my husband turned out to be the kind of man who do laundry and change diapers, while bringing flowers on occasion.  I have to admit this is the bonus I did not even negotiate for, and in truth wholly do not deserve.  

So, this is big, that I consider 12/13 a very special day for me - for both of us.  When I get better, and as I chug along way beyond the statistical forecast, I intend to celebrate every 12/13 with special enthusiasm and a sense of gratitude.  Unlike my other birthday for which I did not do anything to deserve or had any control over, this special birthday, every single of them year in year out, will be something I would work hard to earn.  I intend to do everything I can with utmost discipline to fulfill my marriage promise, that is, I will live at least a day longer than my husband.  This new birthday every year will be something I should be proud for what I have done 364 days a year.

Today, I start my recovery. I am ready for the challenge.