Given all this, keeping it quiet and secret is not an option. I need to consider this as part of my life - a part of my identity. So, it's better that I am open about this. The amount of energy that will have to be diverted to pretend otherwise is the energy I can't afford and don't want to afford even if I could.
The kids..... I will certainly discuss this with them when both of them are home. I want to be honest about my condition and prognosis. They are smart kids and can certainly do their own research. I need to have a preemptive debriefing on what they will see when they launch their independent research. When they do, they will see the kind of grim statistics that I saw. I need to give them a nuanced understanding that this average statistics do not apply to me for a various reasons. I don't want to simply say "I am optimistic and I will be fine". I believe optimism should be grounded on rational explanation. "Positive attitudes" devoid of any rational ground is nothing but wishful thinking, and it's an indication of intellectual sloth. Of course, I am aware that there is such a thing called "mind over body", and the placebo effects amply demonstrate the point. That said, optimism that has the luxury of a rational ground makes a strong case for a realistically positive outlook. I have this luxury, and I need to clearly convey this to the kids.
As for the friends and family ..... Definitely a clear straight forward communication with them. I am not fearful of my disease. I am continuing to learn more about it. I have seen the worst statistics already. There is really no room for it get any worse than what I am aware of already. Nobody should feel like they are walking on an eggshell. I am open to any kind of discussion, question, and thought exchange. I am planning to indulge in a maximum degree of black humor and macabre jokes at my expense. The day I can't do this is the day I am losing it.
There are one exception for this open communication. My family oversees. The primary reason is my mother. She is 80. She has never been an emotionally strong person. Even though I live far away with an ocean between us, she has always depended on me for emotional support. Her two sons are there but it's me who is there for her as an emotional bedrock. There is no way she can handle it .It has always been a complete one way street ever since I graduated from high school. If she learns about this, I will have to console her, comfort her, assure her over and over again several times a week over the phone. I simply do not have the energy right now for it. In fact, the added burden of managing my mother's angst on top of everything else that is going through is simply not an option for me.
More than my mental resources, the real concern is, what is the purpose of putting her in so much pain? Why should I destroy her sense of well being and security? What price for terrifying, cruel truth? Truth be told, even when I go into remission and become healthy again, I don't think I will ever tell her what happened. Her sense of security will be so forever destroyed, and from that moment on, she would be constantly constantly what other bad news I did not tell her. I KNOW her. I know how her mind works. There will be no peace for her. How long is she going to live? Five more years? Ten more years? I have no desire to create a reality where her life is full of fear, doom and gloom. I want her to remain where she is.
I am also keeping it quiet from my two brothers and their families also. Truth be told, they were never there for me, and I honestly do not believe that they will somehow go through a complete metamorphosis and out of the blue transform themselves into caring family members. Perhaps they might, but they might not. As it stands now, I have a "good" relationship with them. Meaning, I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings toward them and learned not to expect anything from them. I also learned to accept the fact that any relationship with them will be completely one way: me on the giving end, and them on the receiving end. I made my peace about this.
As it stands now, when I visit them, we have a great time together. However, if I let them know about this crisis, and if they behave more or less the same as they have before, I am afraid I may no longer be able to compartmentalize my feelings toward them as I have done before. This is a bridge of no return. It's Pandora's box - I am afraid what will come out. Of course, a moralist who likes to pontificate to other people will tell me that I am a coward, and I should give them a chance, and I would be amazed how they come through for me when I needed it most. That's how a tear jerker movie story will run. However, that could just as well be a fantasy. They are living an ocean apart. There isn't much they can do. Even if they come through, it will be occasional, very awkward phone calls - no more. If they don't, it will be a mountain of hurt feelings on my part. So, no: the cost benefit analysis simply does not work out.
I have an incredibly supportive husband who loves me unconditionally. More than anything else, this makes me the luckiest and most fortunate woman. He is my number one ally and partner in my journey. With him by my side, the added support or lack there of from my family oversees is close to a none issue.
More than my mental resources, the real concern is, what is the purpose of putting her in so much pain? Why should I destroy her sense of well being and security? What price for terrifying, cruel truth? Truth be told, even when I go into remission and become healthy again, I don't think I will ever tell her what happened. Her sense of security will be so forever destroyed, and from that moment on, she would be constantly constantly what other bad news I did not tell her. I KNOW her. I know how her mind works. There will be no peace for her. How long is she going to live? Five more years? Ten more years? I have no desire to create a reality where her life is full of fear, doom and gloom. I want her to remain where she is.
I am also keeping it quiet from my two brothers and their families also. Truth be told, they were never there for me, and I honestly do not believe that they will somehow go through a complete metamorphosis and out of the blue transform themselves into caring family members. Perhaps they might, but they might not. As it stands now, I have a "good" relationship with them. Meaning, I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings toward them and learned not to expect anything from them. I also learned to accept the fact that any relationship with them will be completely one way: me on the giving end, and them on the receiving end. I made my peace about this.
As it stands now, when I visit them, we have a great time together. However, if I let them know about this crisis, and if they behave more or less the same as they have before, I am afraid I may no longer be able to compartmentalize my feelings toward them as I have done before. This is a bridge of no return. It's Pandora's box - I am afraid what will come out. Of course, a moralist who likes to pontificate to other people will tell me that I am a coward, and I should give them a chance, and I would be amazed how they come through for me when I needed it most. That's how a tear jerker movie story will run. However, that could just as well be a fantasy. They are living an ocean apart. There isn't much they can do. Even if they come through, it will be occasional, very awkward phone calls - no more. If they don't, it will be a mountain of hurt feelings on my part. So, no: the cost benefit analysis simply does not work out.
I have an incredibly supportive husband who loves me unconditionally. More than anything else, this makes me the luckiest and most fortunate woman. He is my number one ally and partner in my journey. With him by my side, the added support or lack there of from my family oversees is close to a none issue.
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